A Passing Thought.

“I like this and I could get used to this.”

The thought comes slow and steady, settling like a root growing deeper and deeper into the ground the more it takes hold. Any time it happens, I’m inside the kitchen, but whether or not the kitchen is the one I call mine makes no difference, the thought is there just the same. It whispers almost incessantly with the mundane motion of cleaning a dirty dish or surface to make it new and ready for eating the next day. It comes when I’m searching the grocery store for my personal groceries, as I slowly begin to imagine and picture a day I’ll be shopping to feed many little mouths and the mouth of the one I will love someday.

“I like this and I could get used to this.”

It comes when I am sitting in an automobile or plane, in-between a journey that’s just beginning to take off or ending just as quickly. It comes when I write words on paper or type them out in a word document. It comes when my mind is awake in the middle of the night and I cannot fall asleep. I am imagining still, a day where I won’t have to endure this process alone… And while I might still very much be my own person when I get to this place I am imagining, at least I won’t have to wonder if I am doomed to continue on alone and with God, there will be someone to question with, pray with, and live the process out with, all the while challenging me to be a better woman.

I like that sentiment.

While we are all individually our own, we are not meant to do this alone. I’m always wondering how old couples make it, if they are proud of the life they have built for themselves while they are together… If they are proud of the home they have worked hard to build, if they are still as much in love as when they realized it was for the long haul… If there were or are days they drive each other nuts, and when those moments happened, how they made up in a peaceful and kind manner.

I have always wondered and questioned in this way.

Even as a kid, I was always thinking about the homes we’d drive by and the people I’d see in their yards. When I rode my bike around our old neighborhood in New York, there was never a moment I didn’t think about the homes being built all around us. I would look out my bedroom window and observe life. When I got out on my bike, I’d constantly be thinking about what it was that made a home a home. In later years, my bike eventually transitioned into a car, but the thoughts came more deeply, as they should… “What is it like to build a home with someone else?” Eventually, bus rides into the city became a normal adventure, and I then began to think about people inside the brightly lit apartments or work building windows, constantly wondering “are they happy? what is their story? Do they wish they had done or are doing better?”

We can’t possibly know the answer to all of these questions when it comes to other people, but we can identify with these questions individually and that takes on a vastly deeper meaning, deeper thought process than many are willing to go to, and deeper consideration into where we see our own lives taking us. It’s like a consistent reassessment of sorts. I wonder all the time if others think like this, too. If they wonder about the people they pass on the street or if they’re wondering about just one. On any given day I could be wondering about many or I could be wondering about one. I wonder if everyone has moments where thoughts pop into their heads and thread together to look something more like a dream of building a home, relationship, and foundation rather than allowing it to be just a passing thought in the middle of any given moment.

“I like this and I could get used to this.”

But, my God, what does that mean? Get used to what? What exactly do I like about the mundane everyday tasks that make life what it is? Has He created me this way for a purpose? Are the smaller and easier choices preparing me for the bigger choices that are bound to come? Is He showing me something I need to pay attention to right now?

My head is swimming in possibilities as I continue to be faithful in the mundane everyday tasks set before me. I am also grappling with thoughts and feelings that I believed would never settle like home inside of me again. It has left me feeling a mixture of confused, undone, and excited about how God will continue searching my heart and showing me what He means by all of this.

In the meantime, there is no sense in worrying.

There is a plan that was set far before I took foot here on this planet, and so it will continue to go. And I will continue to boldly, slowly, and all at once confidently say “yes” to whatever it is that God is trying to show me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s